Dear Rachael,
My previous relationship was a bad relationship. One that is based on lies and more lies. Sadly, this is affecting my current relationship. I know I should trust him but the the fact that I was not able to distinguish the lies of my previous partner is making me question whether my current boyfriend is being truthful or not. Am I not just seeing the lies again? It is driving me crazy!
Please share with me any articles you may have on this topic.
Thanks!
Blind to Lies
It is not always easy to when our partner lies to us especially when we look at them through rose colored glasses. It is easier for us to believe them simply because we love them.
Men lie for different reasons. Sometimes it is to preserve their reputation and sometimes it is an easier way out. For example, a guy who is known to be responsible may lie that he has already scheduled to have the roof fixed last week and then make a note to have it scheduled first thing today. He does this so that he doesn’t break his reputation for being responsible. On another note, if a guy knows you are the jealous type and he knows that a casual lunch with a group of female office mates would get you worked up, he may opt to say that he spent his lunch time with Bob instead.
While studies show that men do lie, most of these are white lies to get him out of perceived trouble. Do note however, that the more he lies, the better he gets at it. More so, when he figures out that you are not catching on, the more his confidence level builds.
While these may seem like insignificant white lies, you would want to avoid him to make this his habit. You do not want to risk having him lie about bigger and significant things. It is best to nip it in the bud and let him know that it is always easier to just tell the truth. Here are some of the things that you need to watch out for which can help you determine whether he is lying -
1. Observe his usual behavior
To know if your partner is lying, you need to know how he behaves in a usual, relaxed situation. When you are talking about the weather or any other no-pressure topics, watch how he behaves. Make a mental note of his behavior and refer back to this mental image anytime you are doubting him. It is only when you know how he usually behaves that you will notice the subtle change in his behavior when he is trying to hide something.
2. Observe his posture
Anytime you ask him a question, always watch out for his body postures. When a man is relaxed, he usually sits back on his chair rests his hands on his legs or on the arm rests and crosses his legs. If you ask him a threatening question, the tendency is to change this posture. He may sit up straight, uncross his legs and he may also lean forward. He may also exhibit an unusual hand gesture. Watch out for these changes in his posture and gestures.
3. Ask the right questions
Asking the right questions can lead to the answers you are looking for. If you asked him a question to which you felt that he was not being truthful, the best strategy would be to drop the issue for now. Accusing him that he is being untruthful now will only make him defensive and will make him lie even more. Plus, the next time you bring up the topic, he will be more on guard. You do not want this to happen.
What you want to do is to take some time to find evidence and to think of how you will approach this topic next time.
4. Ask as if you already know
If you feel that he is not being truthful, asking as if you already know may make admit and come clean. Turn your assumption into a question and see how he reacts to it. You can probably say, “I know you were busy last week, do you think you can get the roof scheduled this week?” Answering this question is two-fold. By answering yes, he will let you know that (1) he did not get to schedule it last week and (2) he can get it done this week. In most cases, he will figure that it is best to acknowledge it.
5. Ask a bait question
A bait question usually forces men to admit and give an explanation. Let say that you found a piece of evidence. You can use this to ask him about the issue without him feeling attacked or without you pointing fingers. This is bound to make him more honest about the issue at hand. Perhaps you can say, “By the way, your assistant left a message today on the machine giving you the number to the roof company.”
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