We have all heard about people being too needy in relationships, and how it can be destructive to a couple’s success. Furthermore, maybe some of us have even been called needy by people we have dated. What is neediness, exactly, and how do we know if we are needy? How does neediness affect relationships? And how can we work on being less needy and more independent?
According to Dr. Neill Neill, a Vancouver Island, BC, based psychologist, “neediness is a Psychological, fear-based characteristic. Neediness in relationships, or in would-be relationships is paradoxical. The greater the neediness, the less likely it is for the legitimate wants and needs to be met.”
Neediness can also be defined as clingy, controlling, possessive, and/or demanding behavior, as said by John Gray, the author of “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus”. There are certain ways you can tell if you are being needy in a relationship. First of all, your partner may feel that you are unable to please, using words such as “high maintance” or “difficult” to describe you. Many times people who are truly needy have a desire to be the center of attention and often have a hard time putting other people first.
According to a survey done on John Gray’s website, neediness was cited as the number one reason for ending a relationship. This is because with neediness comes a lot of extra hard work into the relationship. Many times in these types of relationships, one partner feels as if they can not and/or do not want to please their partner. While some people are needy by nature, these also exists a scenario when, in a relationship, a person may feel as if their needs are not being met and then begin to act needy in response. What has been found that in these cases, the needy person may begin to repeatedly call their partners or become demanding in their behavior. Neither of these are wise choices of action and will only lead your partner to not even attempt to hear your concerns. It is important to remember is this situation that everyone has different needs, especially in terms of men vs. women, and that our needs may not be the same as our partners needs.
Another problem in the relationship could also be that your partner is not motivated to meet your needs, and this is not a good thing. Relationships can be hard at times, and it is important that we are there for our partners when they need us. If your partner is actually not there for you because they do not want to be, then you should find yourself someone who will put in the effort to give in to your legitimate needs.
When looking at the California State University, Fullerton, website page on healthy relationships, you can learn even more about neediness in relationships. It is vital to remember that there is a difference between loving someone because you need them, and needing someone because you love them. Relationships and love based on neediness usually do not come from a healthy place inside of us, and before a healthy relationship can be created, it is important to seek counseling in order to address the root of the problem. If you do not, you will most likely end up smothering your partner. Basically, what should happen is you find a person and gradually fall in love with them. After the goal of falling in love has been met, you might slowly begin to feel some level of need because of the love, which is healthy.
So how do you stop being needy in a relationship? According to Kristin Meizner, a Brooklyn-based writer whose work has appeared in a number of print, online, and Television media outlets, there are many ways to become less needy. First of all, have your own life. Think back to how you were before you were in the relationship, and make sure to keep up with the friends and hobbies that were part of your life at that time. Not only will you be a happier person, but you will also be more interesting in your partner’s eyes.
Another way to be less needy in a relationship is to schedule things out. For example, having a weekly date night will give you both something to look forward to as well as give you as sense that the relationship is more structured. It is also very important to not let your mind get the best of you. Do not start wondering about possible scenarios that could possibly be happening when you have no proof. For example, if your partner goes out for the night do not drive yourself crazy wondering if they will notice someone more attractive than you. When thoughts like this begin to creep up remember that your partner is in a relationship with you, which is fact rather than a made-up possibility.
Most importantly, always remember what a great person you are. Have confidence in yourself and know your strengths. If your partner did not find you attractive, smart, and fun, they probably would not been with you to begin with. Remind yourself how amazing you are, and allow yourself to feel more secure.
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