Dear Rachael,

My previous relationship was a bad relationship. One that is based on lies and more lies. Sadly, this is affecting my current relationship. I know I should trust him but the the fact that I was not able to distinguish the lies of my previous partner is making me question whether my current boyfriend is being truthful or not. Am I not just seeing the lies again? It is driving me crazy!

Please share with me any articles you may have on this topic.

Thanks!
Blind to Lies

It is not always easy to when our partner lies to us especially when we look at them through rose colored glasses. It is easier for us to believe them simply because we love them.

Men lie for different reasons. Sometimes it is to preserve their reputation and sometimes it is an easier way out. For example, a guy who is known to be responsible may lie that he has already scheduled to have the roof fixed last week and then make a note to have it scheduled first thing today. He does this so that he doesn’t break his reputation for being responsible. On another note, if a guy knows you are the jealous type and he knows that a casual lunch with a group of female office mates would get you worked up, he may opt to say that he spent his lunch time with Bob instead.

While studies show that men do lie, most of these are white lies to get him out of perceived trouble. Do note however, that the more he lies, the better he gets at it. More so, when he figures out that you are not catching on, the more his confidence level builds.

While these may seem like insignificant white lies, you would want to avoid him to make this his habit. You do not want to risk having him lie about bigger and significant things. It is best to nip it in the bud and let him know that it is always easier to just tell the truth. Here are some of the things that you need to watch out for which can help you determine whether he is lying -

1. Observe his usual behavior

To know if your partner is lying, you need to know how he behaves in a usual, relaxed situation. When you are talking about the weather or any other no-pressure topics, watch how he behaves. Make a mental note of his behavior and refer back to this mental image anytime you are doubting him. It is only when you know how he usually behaves that you will notice the subtle change in his behavior when he is trying to hide something.

2. Observe his posture

Anytime you ask him a question, always watch out for his body postures. When a man is relaxed, he usually sits back on his chair rests his hands on his legs or on the arm rests and crosses his legs. If you ask him a threatening question, the tendency is to change this posture. He may sit up straight, uncross his legs and he may also lean forward. He may also exhibit an unusual hand gesture. Watch out for these changes in his posture and gestures.

3. Ask the right questions

Asking the right questions can lead to the answers you are looking for. If you asked him a question to which you felt that he was not being truthful, the best strategy would be to drop the issue for now. Accusing him that he is being untruthful now will only make him defensive and will make him lie even more. Plus, the next time you bring up the topic, he will be more on guard. You do not want this to happen.

What you want to do is to take some time to find evidence and to think of how you will approach this topic next time.

4. Ask as if you already know

If you feel that he is not being truthful, asking as if you already know may make admit and come clean. Turn your assumption into a question and see how he reacts to it. You can probably say, “I know you were busy last week, do you think you can get the roof scheduled this week?” Answering this question is two-fold. By answering yes, he will let you know that (1) he did not get to schedule it last week and (2) he can get it done this week. In most cases, he will figure that it is best to acknowledge it.

5. Ask a bait question

A bait question usually forces men to admit and give an explanation. Let say that you found a piece of evidence. You can use this to ask him about the issue without him feeling attacked or without you pointing fingers. This is bound to make him more honest about the issue at hand. Perhaps you can say, “By the way, your assistant left a message today on the machine giving you the number to the roof company.”

Dear Rachael,

Great blog! You have nice, straight-to-the-point articles and they are very helpful.

I have to admit that I am at a loss when it comes to girls. There’s this girl I like. We talk a lot and spend time together but I am having difficulty trying to figure out whether she likes me. I would like to let her know how I feel but I am unsure as to what she thinks of me. Do you have any tips for me? What are the signs that I should be on the lookout for? How can I tell that she likes me?

Thanks for your help!

Lawrence

Figuring out whether a girl likes you can both be confusing and overwhelming. What you need to do is to tune in to how she acts when she is around you. Pay attention to the things she does and says. Here are some of the things that you need to watch out for:

1. Identify her assertiveness level

As you have mentioned that you spend time with her, you would be at an advantage of identifying her assertiveness level. Observe her and determine if she is shy or assertive. Assertive girls will have no issues with letting you know they like you. They would invite you out, call you, or will even bluntly tell you that they like you.

Shy girls, on the other hand, will be hesitant to let you know that they like you. Instead, what they will do is to give subtle hints that they are interested. They will arrange to constantly bump into you and will want to always be seen by you. They will also pay close attention to what they’re wearing and how they look if they know you are around.

2. She touches you

When a girl finds a guy interesting, she tends to touch him when they are together. It could be a playful pat on the arm while talking, touching your head or even messing up your hair. If a girl is touchy when you are together, it could be a sign that she’s interested.

3. She asks questions

A girl who is interested in you will want to know more about you. She will ask you questions in order to get to know you better. She will want to know what you are doing this weekend, what your hobbies are and what interests you. The questions will vary from trivial to personal all with the goal of knowing you better.

4. She introduces you to her friends

A girl who likes you will take the time to introduce you to her friends. She would like her friends to get to know you and she will often ask them for their opinion of you. As is often the case, her friends’ approval will make a difference.

5. She pays attention to how she looks

When you are around, she dresses a bit differently. She pays special attention to her hair, her clothes and her makeup. She is doing this in the hopes that you will notice her.

Hi Rachael,

I am in a relationship with a great guy. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. While the relationship is all good, it has become a bit routinary. I was wondering if you have any articles on spicing up the relationship other than the usual tips we always read about.

Thanks!
Carol

As you have mentioned, there are lots of ways to spice up your relationship. As you already seem to be aware of the more common techniques in spicing up your relationship, I will no longer touch on it. Instead, what I will share with you are some of the “riskier” ways to keep your relationship interesting.

1. Call less often

Women love to chitchat about almost anything. We do not think twice about picking up the phone to chitchat with a friend. We call them to tell them how our day went, what we ate for lunch, what our schedule is for the day, etc. We just love to update them with the details of our life.

With our girlfriends, this is okay. The friendship grows and this makes us closer to them. With your partner, however, this does not have the same effect. This is because men use the phone only when needed. For them, the purpose of the phone is to give and to receive information. So, if you are constantly calling him with trivial updates on what you are currently doing, this may come across as being needy and clingy.

What you need to do is to lessen your calls to him. When he notices that you are no longer calling him with your updates, he will be wondering what you are doing. And when he calls you to check in with you, he’ll be more excited to know about your day and he will be engaged in the conversation. Quality conversations always tightens the bond between the two of you.

2. Do not agree with him all the time

Engaging in verbal bantering helps you get to know your partner better. Keep in mind though that disagreeing and fighting are not the same thing. And disagreeing just for the sake of disagreeing is also not good. It is annoying. It is okay, however, to disagree and engage in a healthy conversation about substantial things. This could be anything from politics and current news to what color the curtains should be.

While men are attracted to women who challenge them and can keep up with their pace, be careful not to make him feel stupid when you disagree. Avoid demeaning words and never make him feel like second rate. If you disagree on something, simply let him know your views and your reasons for them. Then, give him the opportunity to explain his opinion. Doing this will encourage you both to share your thoughts on a more personal level.

3. Have some time alone for yourself

If you are always together everyday of the week and you spend all your free time with him, you won’t have anything new to talk about and share with each other. Psychologists call this “habituation.” In essence this means that if you stay with someone everyday, you get used to that person and their presence no longer gives you a “feel good” feeling.

In addition, men like women who have their own activities separate from what they do as a couple. It is attractive. Make your own plans and do not even give him the option of tagging along. Doing this will make him think that you know how to have fun even without him.

4. Don’t be scared to say “We have to talk”

We all know that men dread hearing you utter “We have to talk.” But the fact is, keeping quiet about issues will hurt your relationship in the long run. You need to let him know when he has hurt you or when he has irritated you. Talking about these things early on will avoid a possible major blow up later on which could possibly break the relationship.

The important thing is to discuss the issues in a calm and fair manner. Focus the conversation on how you feel and discuss how he could help you solve the problem.

5. Show your love

There is a misconception that it is better to not show your partner how much you love him. We were taught not to put our hearts out on our sleeves so that our partner will keep guessing and we won’t feel so foolish if the relationship does not work out.

But the thing is, men love women who are clearly into them. He needs to feel special and he needs to know how much you love him. If you hide how you feel, he is going to think that you are indifferent and he may end up looking for someone who is not afraid to show him how much she loves him.

What is important is how you show your feelings and emotions. You need to be able to strike the right amount of how you display your affection. While he longs to hear how special he is, be careful of not going overboard. Too much affection will also cause him to panic.

On my previous post, I have given you five signs that “he’s not the one.” Here are five more signs -

6. You can’t imagine him to be the father of your children.

Something about him is making you think twice about having children together. Maybe you are wondering whether he would make a great parent. Or if he is financially responsible. Or maybe you are wondering if he would make a great partner for rearing children. If you have doubts on any of these, then, he’s probably not the one.

7. Your basic values and long-term goals are incompatible.

Check your basic values and long term goals against his and find out if they are compatible. For example, if he lives in the country and you can never leave the city, ask yourself if you are both willing to compromise. If neither one is willing, then he may not be the right one for you.

8. You don’t respect each other.

Respect for one another is important in any relationship. Without respect, the relationship will not grow and deepen. If one of you continually puts down the other in front of your friends, embarrasses you to no end, or complains continually about you to your friends, family and relatives, you are not meant for each other in the long term. Keep in mind that a relationship without respect will not be able to sustain itself.

9. One of you is struggling with an addiction.

If one of you is struggling with addiction, do not wrongly assume that you will be able to change your partner. Keep in mind that an addiction can only be overcome when the person wishes for it to change. He must do it on his own terms. Any form of addiction whether alcohol, gambling or cocaine will eventually put a heavy strain into the relationship.

10. You have this strange feeling about him.

For reasons you cannot explain, there is just something about him that does not feel right. If you do have this feeling, do not ignore it. Trust your gut and take the time to figure out what it is that does not feel right. Do not ignore the warning signs. Figure it out and take it slow.

Hi Rachael,

Great blog! I am one of the people who follow your blog regularly.

I have been in a relationship with someone for the past two years and lately, we have been talking about moving in together. While I adore him, I can’t help but think whether he is “The One.” I know I love him but I would hate to make a mistake. If you have any articles on this topic, I would appreciate it if you can share them with me.

Thanks!
Finding “The One”

Anytime you are in a relationship, you get to a point where you begin to question if he/she is the right person for you. While figuring this out may be an easy task for others, for some of us, this is doesn’t come as easily as we’d like it to be.

If you are considering moving in together, you need to ask yourself some really tough questions. Below are some of the signs that should make you think twice.

1. You want him to change some of his flaws.

If you have a list of his flaws that you would like him to change, this is not a good indication. Wanting to fix his flaws could mean that he is not the right partner for you. You need to have someone whose flaws you can accept and embrace. While you cannot find a person without any flaw, you can focus on finding someone who is perfect for you – flaws and all.

2. You are having difficulty trusting him.

While a little bit of jealousy may be okay, too much of it is not good. If you constantly find yourself checking on his whereabouts, checking on his phone and even hacking into his email account, this indicates that an unhealthy level of mistrust. You are better off not committing at this point.

3. You avoid conflict.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. When you avoid conflict, it could be a sign that you just don’t care enough to fight about it. A small dose of “rational and adult-like” fights are good as you get to air out your side and resolve your issues. This process results to a better understanding of each other.

Keep in mind that while ignoring problems look the same as having no problems, it is definitely not the same.

4. You don’t want him to see you at your worst.

If you are sad and crying your heart out, do you turn to him for comfort? Or do you keep to yourself for fear that he will see you looking your worst? The perfect one for you should be someone you can turn to when you are feeling your worst. He should be able to help you smile through all your troubles and make you feel calm instead of being stressed out that he is seeing you that way.

5. You are not attracted to him.

However much you deny it, physical intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. If you are not attracted to him, he is probably not your best long-term match.

More on this on my next post.