Q1 – A couple we know is getting married. We are unable to attend. We haven’t met the bride (though she helps us out alot over the comp) and haven’t seen the groom in 15+yrs. They finacially are very well to do – one is a lawyer one a vet….no kids. Their wedding will be upscale…no registry…what can I send as a gift? (we are not well to do but I feel we should send a gift given all her help)
Q2 Unrelated to above question…My husband feels the cost of a wedding gift should equeal the cost of the reception per person x the number of givers per gift. I feel that a gift souldn’t have a cost associated with it (unless the reciever gave you a wedding gift and then it should at least equeal theirs). A gift is individual to the giver and their income and what the reciever might enjoy…I don’t feel it is the guest responsibility to compansate the host for having a party of their choosing…what is your opinion?
Two wedding questions – one gift – one etiquette….?
March 10, 2010 17 Comments
I totally agree with you. If someone is spending $100k in a wedding that is not your fault and people are not expecting to collect what they’ve spend in the wedding. Buy something nice within your budget, they’ll appreciate whatever you give them.
In answer to your first question, I would find a gift that is original. If you have a crafty skill make something. A homemade individual gift is awesome. Maybe even a big basket of gormet cookies. There are some thoughtful gifts out there that dont have to cost an arm and a leg but would be hugely appreciated. Just think outside the square.
And for your second question, I totally agree with you. I dont think the gift should have to reflect the cost of the reception meal. I dont know where that horrible idea comes from but more and more people seem to think it is true and if people keep believing this and people keep spending so much money on weddings, one day people are going to start declining going to a wedding because they will feel they cant afford the expensive gift!
A gift is a token of goodwill, to wish a couple luck and to add to their happiness. To help them begin their new life together as a married couple. Not payment for a meal at the reception.
Number 2 first: I agree with you. A gift could be worth thousands, but if there was not thought or emotion behind it, it’s worthless in my book.
Number 1: A fine gift for a couple such as that would be a nice frame for their wedding photo. Something on the 5×7 or 8×10 size.
Since you’ve not seen the guy in so long, but you DO want to offer them a congratulatory item, try going for something non-committal…a picture frame, toasting flutes, a nice vase (because no matter HOW rich you are, you’re going to screw up SOME time in your marriage and “I’m sorry I’m a jackass” flowers are always in order!).
Put a little thought into it, and I’m sure you’ll come up with something fab.
Q1 – That is very nice of you to want to send a gift to this couple. I’m sure anything you send will be appreciated. How about a restaurant gift certificate, a pretty vase, or a nice picture frame?
Q2 – I completely agree with you. The notion that a couple would expect their guests to “cover their plate” seems extremely rude to me. The amount spent on a wedding gift should reflect how close you are to the couple, and be an amount that is within your budget. Any classy couple expects nothing more from their guests than their good wishes.
First of all, a gift is something that will be appreciated knowing that it’s the thought that counts. Second of all, I see that you’re in a dilemma as to the type of gift since the wedding is going to be upscale. My suggestion is get something from Macy’s, maybe like a set of bowls or glasses or something. They’re not too expensive but they’re not that cheap either. As for your second question, if you use your husband’s calculation, it will be an expensive gift given that you said it will be an upscale wedding. And you’re right, there should be no cost associated with a gift. People work hard for their money and not everyone is privileged to purchase expensive things. I’m sure you’ll find something that is nice and suitable to the couple but would not break your budget.
Question 1 – I would get them a gift card to somewhere like Williams-Somona, Sur La Table or Crate and Barrel (whichever they may have in their area). I believe $100 would be appropriate.
Question 2 – You see lots of people say that the price of the gift should be the cost of your meal(s) at the reception. I don’t believe this, myself. I give what I can afford, and I give appropriate to my relationship to the person. For family, I send more, obviously. Spend what you can afford to give as a gift, nobody wants to see you go to the poor house because of wedding presents.
I hope this helps.
I agree with Q2 too…. that’s their choice so why would I buy a $500-1000 gift only because they’re having a classy wedding reception? If they’re wealthy then they probably don’t “need” anything (they might already have everything they could possibly need) so something nice to decorate their house could be an option for a nice gift (within your budget of course).
go to tiffanys web site. they are an upscale gift and jewelers known world wide. they have a selection of vases and bowls and serving platters in crystal or silver that are completely appropriate and will be cherished. they come wrapped in their blue box, which is a favorite box to keep forever. you cant go wrong, it is classy and very fine.
i have heard also many formulas for gift giving, so does that mean if you are at a punch and cake backyard wedding you should give a piece of plastic from walmart? i dont think so. i try very hard to give a meaningful gift that reflects my love of the bride and groom or their families. if they dont have a registry i go the ” heirloom ‘ route, with something from tiffanys or herend. something they will always have and can hand down.
I agree with an earlier poster who said to consider something unique. A handmade gift is nice, but if you’re not handy, consider something like a nice bound book of poetry (don;t be afraid to get a good vintage one!) or a coffee table picture book. They are both tasteful, and not likely they’ll be duplicates.
On your second question, I do agree that the guest should not feel obligated to compensate the host for the expense of entertaining them. However, it is becoming quite customary to do as your husband suggests. The thought is that you would spend that amount of money on a similar night out, and so if you are giving the couple a gift anyway, that’s not a bad measure of the value of the gift. I could look at it either way, but I do agree that it could easily get out of hand and that guests should never feel like they must buy their way into the reception.
Personally, I’ll be delighted with whatever gifts our guests choose to give (and some may not give any, which is okay–our guest list includes people we want to share our joy with, not whom we expect will compensate us). One of my friends has been unemployed, but she’s very crafty, so her gift to us is helping us design the invitations and program. I will remember that gift much more than I’ll remember a check.
Q1: If they are well to do and didn’t register (they don’t want stuff) they are expecting cash gifts if you choose to give a gift at all. I am sure that they are not expecting a gift (good manners). If you can’t afford a gift and you are not attending a wedding, then I think that a nice card expressing your best wishes will suffice.
Q2: You’re right. The cost of the gift has more to do with your relationship to the bride/groom, not the cost per plate. You’ll often hear people exclaim “Oh they invited a ton of the people for the presents”. If that were truly the case, then there sure are a lot of dumb people getting married. For the average person, their ROI (considering the wedding is an investment) leaves them in the red. The gifts received never equal the cost of the wedding.
Think of it this way, would you throw a party for your spouse and then charge people to attend?
I agree with you on question #2 although many will tell you to give them a gift worth whatever their per plate cost was for the reception. I would say no less than $50 though…that is the standard gift card I give for weddings. It is alot for a couple who has nothing, and a decent gift for those who have everything already.
Give them a gift card to a restaurant they like, or a department store like Macy’s that has nicer things and home things as well.
Q1: Since they did not do a registry, I would simply give them either cash or a gift card to a store you know they’ll like. When couples fail to do a registry, that usually means all they want is CASH. Personally I think it’s really tacky to NOT do a registry because you might as well scream “give us cash…we don’t want any of the sh*t you’ll get us.” Rude, rude, rude.
Q2: Your husband is being overly considerate in his evaluation. For one, there’s almost no way a normal wedding guest can approximate how much the couple spent per person on the reception! I mean, how would you know that unless the couple go around advertising “hey, we spent $10,000 on the reception alone” and even then, you’d have to know how many people are going to attend. You can’t know that until you actually get to the wedding. You are correct. The gift should be a reflection of what you can afford and a nice thought. A nice couple won’t be sitting there thinking “hmph….they only spent this much on me when I spent this much on them for the reception.” That’s now how anyone thinks nor should it be. When the couple planned the wedding, they knew it would cost X amount so it’s not up to the guest to “cover” the cost of attending! A gift is simply a lovely way to say “we love you and we wish you well.” Anything else and the couple might as well sell tickets!!!
I don’t have an answer for your first question. People generally don’t register when they want money… but if they’re a vet and a lawyer, they probably don’t need the money! What about a nice frame for a wedding photo or a photo album?
As for the cost… I have no idea what people are going to be paying for my meal and I don’t ask ahead of time. I’ve been to weddings where my meal probably cost $10 and ones where it probably cost $75. I have no idea beforehand how much it cost and I’m not about to call and ask just so I can decide on a gift price! I agree – I’m not obligated to cover the cost of their choosing.
That said… I think if it’s a couple gift it does have to be more than what you would spend just for yourself. So if you were going to spend $50 for one person, I’d spend $100 or so for two people.
Let me start with Q2: (cries) (gathers self and wags finger at your husband)
You are correct in this one. The host determines the cost of the party, and it would be the height of impertinance to even attempt to calculate it. A wedding is about celebrating the creation of a new family, not turning a profit. Ignore the cost of the wedding and the number of seats you take up at the reception in choosing a gift. Not only is it unpardonable to speculate on the matter, it automatically rewards those who have larger budgets or more extravagant tastes over those with slim pocketbooks or simpler preferences.
The only budgetary calculation permitted in choosing a gift for a wedding (or, indeed, any gift) is this one: how much money you have available to spend vs how much of your potential budget you wish to use for the purpose.
Consult any repuatble etiquette guide, and you’ll find that ‘covering the plate’ is considered a pernicious myth that ought to be utterly ignored.
As for Q1, I think it’s quite sweet of you to want to send a gift to the happy couple. A gift in honor of a happy ocassion is never incorrect.
What did the lady help you with? You needn’t tell us, but perhaps it’s a starting point to consider, since it may indicate an interest or taste you share in common. Think also about any little personal comments that may have been made along the way. Did she mention somewhere a favorite color? A hobby? A favorite vacation spot?
If you think of all this and still aren’t sure what to give, try something fairly safe but nice, like a pretty picture frame, a nice set of guest towels for the bathroom, or a decent bottle of wine and a pair of pretty glasses. Include a handwritten note of congratulations including some references to all the help they’ve given you.
This couple sounds generous and thoughtful. I’m sure it will mean a great deal to them that you think so highly of them.
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Well, your husband is totally wrong.
As for a gift – depends upon whether you have to mail it or not, actually. If you don’t – something like a crystal serving platter or salad bowl is always lovely. If you do – maybe something in wood.
1. Even well to do people enjoy receiving thoughtful gifts. You do not say what your budget is, but maybe a gift basket of gourmet food.
2. I fall in between. If the reception is the type of reception you had or would have then you should try to give a gift that equals the cost of the expense to have you. If it is out of your budget, or something that you consider extravagant then you do not. I do not consider it my responsibility to pay for items I would not do for my own wedding, or a very nice night out. But I would give a different gift for a wedding that cost $10 a person than I would for a wedding that cost $100+ a person if I knew in advance.