2. I fall in between. If the reception is the type of reception you had or would have then you should try to give a gift that equals the cost of the expense to have you. If it is out of your budget, or something that you consider extravagant then you do not. I do not consider it my responsibility to pay for items I would not do for my own wedding, or a very nice night out. But I would give a different gift for a wedding that cost $10 a person than I would for a wedding that cost $100+ a person if I knew in advance.

You are right in this one. The host determines the cost of the party, and it would be the height of impertinance to even attempt to calculate it. A wedding is about celebrating the creation of a new family, not turning a profit. Ignore the cost of the wedding and the number of seats you take up at the reception in choosing a gift. Not only is it unpardonable to speculate on the matter, it automatically rewards those who have larger budgets or more extravagant tastes over those with slim pocketbooks or simpler preferences.

The only budgetary calculation permitted in choosing a gift for a wedding (or, indeed, any gift) is this one: how much money you have available to spend vs how much of your potential budget you wish to use for the purpose.

Consult any repuatble etiquette guide, and you’ll find that ‘covering the plate’ is considered a pernicious myth that ought to be utterly ignored.

As for Q1, I reckon it’s quite sweet of you to want to send a gift to the pleased couple. A gift in honor of a pleased ocassion is never incorrect.

What did the lady help you with? You needn’t tell us, but perhaps it’s a starting point to consider, since it may indicate an interest or taste you share in common. Reckon also about any small personal comments that may have been made along the way. Did she mention somewhere a favorite color? A leisure activity? A favorite vacation spot?

If you reckon of all this and still aren’t sure what to give, try something honestly safe but nice, like a pretty picture frame, a nice set of guest towels for the bathroom, or a decent bottle of wine and a pair of pretty glasses. Include a handwritten note of congratulations including some references to all the help they’ve given you.

This couple sounds generous and thoughtful. I’m sure it will mean a fantastic deal to them that you reckon so highly of them.

As for the cost… I have no thought what people are going to be paying for my meal and I don’t question ahead of time. I’ve been to weddings where my meal probably cost $10 and ones where it probably cost $75. I have no thought beforehand how much it cost and I’m not about to call and question just so I can choose on a gift price! I agree – I’m not obligated to cover the cost of their choosing.

That said… I reckon if it’s a couple gift it does have to be more than what you would spend just for yourself. So if you were going to spend $50 for one person, I’d spend $100 or so for two people.

Q2: Your husband is being overly considerate in his evaluation. For one, there’s nearly no way a normal wedding guest can approximate how much the couple spent per person on the reception! I mean, how would you know that unless the couple go around advertising “hey, we spent $10,000 on the reception alone” and even then, you’d have to know how many people are going to attend. You can’t know that until you really get to the wedding. You are right. The gift should be a reflection of what you can afford and a nice thought. A nice couple won’t be sitting there thinking “hmph….they only spent this much on me when I spent this much on them for the reception.” That’s now how anyone thinks nor should it be. When the couple plotted the wedding, they knew it would cost X amount so it’s not up to the guest to “cover” the cost of attending! A gift is simply a lovely way to say “we like you and we wish you well.” Anything else and the couple might as well sell tickets!!!

Give them a gift card to a restaurant they like, or a department store like Macy’s that has nicer things and home things as well.

On your second question, I do agree that the guest should not feel obligated to compensate the host for the expense of entertaining them. But, it is becoming quite customary to do as your husband suggests. The thought is that you would spend that amount of money on a similar night out, and so if you are giving the couple a gift anyway, that’s not a terrible measure of the value of the gift. I could look at it either way, but I do agree that it could easily get out of hand and that guests should never feel like they must buy their way into the reception.

Personally, I’ll be delighted with whatever gifts our guests choose to give (and some may not give any, which is okay–our guest list includes people we want to share our joy with, not whom we expect will compensate us). One of my friends has been unemployed, but she’s very crafty, so her gift to us is helping us design the invitations and program. I will remember that gift much more than I’ll remember a check.

i have heard also many formulas for gift giving, so does that mean if you are at a punch and cake backyard wedding you should give a piece of plastic from walmart? i dont reckon so. i try very hard to give a meaningful gift that reflects my like of the bride and groom or their families. if they dont have a registry i go the ” heirloom ‘ route, with something from tiffanys or herend. something they will always have and can hand down.