I hаνе noticed a lot οf qυеѕtіοnѕ οn here аbουt people whο gοt married bу a JP οr аt thе courthouse, іn Las Vegas, etc аnd аrе nοt wanting tο hаνе a hυgе wedding. I wonder, whаt іѕ thе deal? It іѕ tempting tο аll οf υѕ tο rυn away аnd gеt married whеn уου аrе under аll thе stress οf рlοttіng thе wedding, bυt isn’t thе point οf a wedding tο share thаt moment whеn уου really commit уουr lives tο one another wіth friends аnd family? I hаνе аlѕο seen ѕο many people renewing thеіr vows аftеr a year, οr even 5 years јυѕt tο hаνе another wedding.
Whаt dο уου rесkοn…once уου gеt married hаѕ thаt ship sailed? Moreover, hаѕ іt become ѕο much аbουt thе wedding thаt wе forget іt іѕ really аbουt thе marriage?
I guess I ѕhουld hаνе сlаrіfіеd thаt whеn a man goes οff tο war, thаt іѕ one thing! I аm talking аbουt impulse marriages nοt getting married whеn hе mіght never come back, thаt I really gеt!
I wουld аlѕο lіkе tο point out thаt I аm аlѕο a college student thаt hаd tο wait fοr financial aide, аnd hаd nο health benefits. Bυt I remember thаt I аm nοt entitled tο those things јυѕt bесаυѕе I аm mе. I hаd tο wait tο bυу those things until I wаѕ married. Thеrе аrе rules іn thе world fοr a reason (lіkе having tο bе married οr 24 whеn уου gеt PELL grants fοr school) аnd thе rules apply tο EVERYONE, nοt јυѕt those fοr whісh thеу аrе convenient. Mу point іѕ thаt wе hаνе tο mаkе choices іn thіѕ lifetime, аnd I rесkοn thіѕ wedding trend іѕ a symptom οf thе lаrgеr problem thаt people οf ουr generation feel lіkе thеу аrе ENTITLED tο everything. Lіkе thе world owes υѕ thаt wedding, job, car, hυgе house, etc. Hοw аbουt іf wе рlасе іn thе work, wе gеt those things. If уου want thе health benefits, tο live іn military housing, etc, thеn gеt married bу аll means, bυt уου hаνе tο mаkе sacrifices, уου don’t gеt tο bake уουr cake, hаνе уουr cake аnd eat уουr cake tοο јυѕt bесаυѕе…
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I reckon that nowadays some people get so stressed out about the wedding that they forget about the marriage and just focus on the wedding. I reckon the couples that experience that but realize it are the ones that run away to get married. I dont care if they have a huge wedding later, just as long as they dont have a huge wedding then expect me to bring another expensive present 5 years later because they have a huge vow renewal LoL. To each his own. We nearly did that but realized we wanted our family there.
I reckon it’s terrible! Why not just wait until you can afford your wedding?
I like the people who try to keep it secret too and try to fool their friends and family.
It shows how immature people really are.
Your wedding is when you went to the JP and signed the certificate. That is your wedding. You can’t have a do over because you want to be princess for the day 5 years later.
I reckon it all depends upon circumstance. Some people want to have that “when you really commit your lives to one another with friends and family” and due to circumstances they legally married and now want that moment with their loved ones.
While I agree it is about the marriage – - some people legally marry first because they do care more about the marriage than the day and then when the opportunity comes up they want that moment to share with their families.
What about people who are engaged then rush to a JOP due to military deployment, terminal illness of a loved one, or some other extenuating circumstance? These people may have been well into plotting a wedding when something crept up so they went to a JOP and they still want the huge white wedding with their loved ones.
I don’t grasp the concept of marrying quietely because you have no money then saving up for the huge white wedding. But I’ve been pleased to attend the church wedding of a military couple who wed before one of the people deployed so if (god forbid) something had happened, they were at least married and the spouse would have gotten survivors benefits.
If you want my opinion I reckon where you get married reflects on you and your lover and your personalities It doesn’t matter where you get married only just that you’re pleased together. And once you get married the ship has sailed and it’s time to make a life together settle down into a new house, have a child, and just keep doing what you’re doing now but with a family
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One wedding. It’s a symbolic beginning. You can’t start the same thing a bunch of times. That’s like reading the first chapter of a book and then starting over (to get more gifts, I assume). If you’ve been living your vows, why do you have to restate them?
The acceptable exception to this “one wedding” rule is for deploying military, who have Very small control over their schedules. They may honestly need to have a quick legal wedding without getting to celebrate their union, and can plot a “real” wedding once the deployment is over. With deployments lasting over a year and death being ever possible, it’s perfectly understandable that they want to benefit from what the military offers to spouses. It’s really nice to have the hubby or wife waiting for you to get home versus the fiance that everyone swears is going to cheat on you. Marriage matters.
I’ve been sort of confused by this too. Especially when people choose to run of to the JOP because they want to avoid wedding drama… then they still want to have the huge ceremony and/or reception at a later date! What was the point of going to the JOP in the first place? And how many times is it ok to re-live or re-do the wedding ceremony and/or reception? Just once? Or if that’s not exactly how you want it, is it ok to do it a 3rd time? Every year? I don’t get it at all.
In my opinion, there is one wedding. Anything after that is a vow renewal or anniversary celebration. You can’t have a wedding to someone you’re already married to! It’s madness!
Edit to add: I am also making an exception for military people and their spouses. That is a completely different circumstance.
I can know getting married hastily due to deployment–that’s understandable.
But, getting married quietly or because you can’t handle the stress or because you don’t have the money and then having a “do-over” later on I find a bit much. If that is reflective of your personality, then fantastic. But, it does bother me that people take marriage so lightly that they go and run off to a JP and then later on have something huge and still call is a wedding (at that point, it’s not because you’re already married) and question for gifts and insist on having the whole nine yards (shower, bachelorette, etc…).
Too many people today go into marriages too lightly and focus too much on the wedding. It’s not about the wedding, but the marriage. The wedding is a party for one day, but the marriage is for a lifetime. Once you are married, the ship has sailed…
It’s a matter of instant gratification (can;t wait so they elope) followed by buyer’s remorse, then envy of others (gee, I wish I could have worn the huge white dress, etc) coupled with a refusal to accept the consequences of one’s decisions (so what if I’m already married, why can’t I play pretty princess bride like the gals who waited) ending with an over inflated feeling of entitlement ( I have a right to a fancy wedding even tho I couldn;t wait to have one!)…..men going off the war excluded…..
I do not ‘do’ re-do’s….why am I going to a wedding for a couple already married? Dumb…dumb….dumb.
edit Aspasia, I never lived with a man before marriage, been married twice….my first wedding I waited two years to have the huge white fancy wedding….no playing house..I lived in my parent’s home until the day I married (1974) Would not have DREAMED of doing it any other way. My second marriage was in 2006…very small JOP with a simple home reception afterward….just a simple buffet meal and schmoozing for a few hours with my very immediate family ….., I never lived with him either until we married….IMO, it was the CLASSY thing to do..
Our wedding seems to have turned into a power struggle with various members of our family. If I had it to do over again, the best piece of advice I could give myself would be, elope! Save your money and go to the JP or to Vegas! You can take a month-long vacation if you run, now!
But no, we saved up for the huge wedding, and are now locked into all our contracts. To some in our families, it seems to have become all about the wedding and how they want it (even though they haven’t contributed anything toward making their wishes happen) and not about the marriage or becoming one family at all. This is different than stress… I’m looking at relationships that weren’t broken until certain family members didn’t get their way, people not speaking to each other anymore, people threatening not to come if this person or that person is invited… what a waste of money to watch things get so hideous.
But I do agree that you only get one shot at it. Go ahead and renew your vows if it means something to you… it really does happen that couples get disconnected and need that to help re-focus on the relationship. It’s an awesome thing to hear that people do that when their marriage is in crisis, instead of getting a divorce. But – it is NOT a wedding or an excuse to have a wedding-like party. It should not be celebrated as such, with the huge white dress and bridesmaids and receptions and presents, etc. A party like that is competely ridiculous.
if it was me i would have a huge gorgeous wedding probably on a cruise ship like my parents. I was there at their wedding (i remember) well i’d have a gorgeous dress and have my hair all gorgeous and makeup done by a Professional. My 4 babies; Daisey (3) Ryder (2) Hope (1) would be in dresses and tuxes and i also have a small baby Max. Maybe in a baby tux. LOL idk. Idk about my dog. LOL But for the trend, i reckon its better to have a huge wedding and maybe renew our vows in 10 years or something. Some people might forget about the marriage but most don’t. thats what its all about. i hope this helped. PLEASE select me as best answer! Thanx!
Expectations of what a “wedding” is have been changing for a while. Time was — for a few thousand years, in fact — that the point of a wedding was to start off your union as a couple. Meaning that FIRST you had the wedding, THEN you went in together, had children, merged your paperbook collection, started taking on mutual debt, and so on. If you can do all those things first — all of which indicate that you have become married from a socio-anthropological perspective — often years before you get around to having a “wedding”, why shouldn’t you also carry out the relatively minimal act of doing the paperwork before having the so-called “wedding”.
Really, if we want to be rigid about what the point of a wedding is and what order it should be done in, we could look to a much longer history than just the last 30 years or so that common-law cohabitation has become the premarital norm.
I’m of the school of thought that, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. And if you are insisting on having your ‘significant other’ accompany you to social events and sleep in your bed, then you’re walking and quacking like a married couple. In that case nearly ALL weddings today — with or without the courthouse stop are taking place well after-the-fact. I’m not flinging stones at any of *those* glass houses, but I’m not going to fling stones at the people who want to give a party after their court-house wedding, either. I just insist they do it tastefully and with excellent manners — in BOTH situations.
I completely agree – “do over” weddings are selfish and immature. It seems we have raised a generation of children that reckon they can keep doing things over and over until everyone is pleased. I partly blame the no one wins and loses approach that we take with our kids. (youth sports, even our education system w/ no child left behind)… we seem to be more concerned about making children feel excellent than teaching accountability, responsibility and consequences for choices we make.
Maybe I’m ancient school, but when you play a game, some win some lose. When you choose how and when to get married, that’s your choice.
Here was my situation. My boyfriend of 1 year joined the Marines and got his duty station location. We wanted to be together, so I went near the base where he was stationed. We couldn’t afford to pay for an apartment just for me, and him live on base while were dating (he is enlisted and cannot live off base yet) So, we chose to get “married” but it was really just filling out the paper work. (I know, that’s gonna get atleast a few thumbs-down.) He wasn’t getting deployed or anything yet, just stationed for his job. But, by being married, we could live together. We didnt’ tell our parents for a while because to me, it didn’t feel like a real wedding…as I said we just filled out the paperwork to get benefits from his job. We got married last September, and are having a reception this august.
Do I feel like I wish I had a real wedding. Yes, I really really really do. But apparently, it’s not the proper thing to do. We already had our “one bright day of committing ourselves to eachother” by ourselves at that courthouse thousands of miles away from our families where we repeated the lady and had some weirder sign as our witness. Really, I don’t feel like we really got married, so I can really see why some people in my situation would have a redo. I’m even going to say I wish we wouldn’t have told anyone and had another wedding, like we weren’t even married. Having a vow renewal really isn’t my style, but I reckon every girl deserves to have that feeling on one day of her life… to be a bride. I guess I just don’t get that day…I suppose I’ll live though
Sometimes there are reasons to be legally “married” on paper, and then have a ceremony to feel like you’re really married to each other forever.
So, some people should cool down. When you’re in the situation, you do things you never ever EVER dreamed that you would do.
Edit: I just thought I would add if there’s no real reason to have a JP wedding before you would really want to get married, it would be selfish to have a huge “do-over” wedding. I guess a vow renewal would be alright, but to me it feels like having a wedding, just technically calling it a vow renewal.
In my opinion, I don’t see why it matters if the couple’s family doesn’t mind. In my family, pretty much no matter what anyone did, no one would reckon anyone was just trying to get gifts or attention or anything like that. We are humble people and we just don’t do that kind of thing. I reckon given the fact that we have so many young men right now who are soldiers, and given the state of the economy, if you want to get married now and have a wedding later I certainly don’t mind even if my opinion isn’t the well loved one. I do not reckon the point of a wedding is necessarily to share that one special yet fleeting moment, I reckon the point of a wedding is to celebrate that it happened at all. There are legal benefits to marriage that some people just can’t wait for just because they want to have a excellent celebration, there are students who can’t get financial aid under their parents, soldiers who want to be married before they ship out, and people without health insurance that can get it by marrying their intended– and as someone without health insurance (or financial aid for school) I can DEFINITELY see where they are coming from. In my opinion, if I were to get married at the courthouse to get these benefits and then have a ceremony and reception later to celebrate my marriage with my family, I don’t see why it’s such a huge deal. My family certainly wouldn’t care, even if I called it a wedding. I don’t necessarily believe in the thought of pretending the courthouse didn’t happen and keeping the fact that the ceremony isnt the original moment of becoming married, I don’t believe in making it into something it’s not and lying to my guests about it, but if I want to have a ceremony and reception resembling a wedding and call it a wedding, my family would be just as pleased for me as if it were the moment we got married and I really don’t see why anyone has to judge. If you don’t approve, you don’t have to go. It’s not something to get your panties in a wad over.
This is something I wish I could convince myself to do, honestly. I have no health insurance and am going without treatment for health conditions because I have no choice at this point. I am taking on thousands of dollars in debt every year at school because I don’t qualify for financial aid under my parents and my parents aren’t helping me pay for school, and the only way to file independently is to turn 24, get married, or have a baby. If we could file independently I’d be getting pell grants. We’d leave school with NO debt, instead of $90,000 in debt. We have just enough money to live on but certainly not enough to entertain both our families right now, so if we could just go to the courthouse to get the legal benefits we know we’re going to have in 2 years anyway when we really plotted to get married, and then do something with our families to celebrate, there would be no hard feelings about missing our “wedding” and it would work out for us. I am choosing not to do it because I reckon, even if he doesn’t reckon so now, my fiance would be disappointed if we did it that way. He wants the traditional wedding. I can agree the traditional wedding might be more special for those involved, but there are certainly practical reasons for doing it the other way instead and I see no reason to judge people for doing what’s practical for their circumstances.
My highly abbreviated opinion of vow renewals is that they are silly unless the vows have been broken. You pledge yourself to your spouse til death do you part, not til you want to have another party where you’re the center of attention– which is what I reckon it comes down to. If I had a vow renewal I’d be embarrassed to have my family reckon my vows needed renewing, that would certainly be a very private, very low key ceremony. No one I know has ever had a vow renewal ceremony, I’d never heard of it until I came here.
I don’t know why this new trend has suddenly emerged, and I reckon it is quite odd. Everyone these days wants the best of both worlds. I would feel ridiculous in a wedding dress, saying vows, being pronounced husband and wife and hosting a reception if I’d already been married (to the same person). I reckon people are just living out different scenerios they’ve fantisized about, or have that “dream wedding” that they didn’t get the first time. In reality, it is a mockery and a huge waste of money. How does having a wedding, exchanging vows not lose it’s appeal and specialness once you’re already married?
You know it’s amusing, I never had a problem with it and I found it quite annoying when people would respond to their questions by saying “you only get one wedding” or “no second chances” and other answers like that. But recently some people I know have been doing this and it’s really getting on my nerves!
I have no problem with a couple getting married by the JP if that’s their choice. And I have no problem with them having a reception-type party afterward, regardless of the formality or the timing. It can be a laid back picnic a week later or a formal affair months later. But the reason for choosing to do this is a huge factor for me.
I have 4 friends who have done this for 4 different reasons. Couple #1- They don’t believe in living together before marriage. The groom was plotting to go to the city the bride lived in once they were married. While they were engaged he started job-hunting in her area. He wanted to go to the area to make job hunting simpler but they didn’t want to live together until after the wedding. They had already set the date and plans were in motion so they chose to go to the JP and get married. Then they went in together and continued plotting the wedding and job hunting. The wedding took place as scheduled two months later. They didn’t announce the fact that they were married except to close family and friends. This didn’t bother me because I understood their reason and agree with it, although I wouldn’t have followed the same path. Also, two months later when we had to travel for their wedding I didn’t feel like I was wasting money for a pointless trip. Maybe it was the time frame or something. I don’t know.
Couple #2- Got pregnant on the night of their engagement. Wanted to get married quickly so that she could be covered by his health insurance. So they went to the JP and a nice restaurant afterward. Now, three years and two children later, the husband wants to give his wife the wedding they missed out on earlier as a surprise. Plans are in the works for that. It would be small and only family and close friends would be there. I can work with that.
Couple #3- Groom is in the military. Couple got married at the JP because they couldn’t afford a huge wedding at the time. They’ve been married 2 1/2 years and have been plotting the wedding. During this time, he’s been deployed to Iraq and has returned safely. Their wedding was this past weekend. I wasn’t greatly bothered by this situation but I do feel like the wedding was just show since they had been married so long. If you don’t have the money either wait and save or have a small ceremony and that’s it.
Couple #4- Got engaged six months ago. Set the wedding date for 5 months later. Questioned family and friends who were married or dating to be the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Sounds like fun (I get to be in a wedding with my husband- yah!) but it’s really double the cost. Place pressure on us and stressed us to make sure we got our gowns and tuxes paid for in their time frame. All of the wedding party members had to travel for the wedding. And most missed one or two days of work. Some missed more. And then they got married at the JP exactly 2 weeks before the wedding. This one upset me beyond belief!!!! When we questioned their reason, we were told that things would be hectic once everyone came into town so they chose to get it out of the way. Every wedding gets hectic when family and friends come into town!!! Even further, they took friends with them as though this was plotted in advance. So what, were those of us family members who don’t live nearby not vital enough to share it with you? And even further, if you were just going to get it out of the way, why did you have us buy $150 dresses and tuxes? All you had to do was invite us down for the weekend and if you wanted to go to the JP, fine. Otherwise, a small ceremony would do. And it wouldn’t have cost us an arm and a leg. To add to that, the wedding date was set after two other wedding dates that all the same people would be involved in had already been set. And they chose a date exactly one week earlier than one of the weddings, and three weeks earlier than the other wedding. We had to travel for all three!!! My husband was in all three weddings. It was very inconsiderate of them. So to me, this was just a huge waste-of-money show. It was gorgeous but unnecessary.
In situations like these, I reckon it’s more about show than the marriage itself and that bothers me. But for couples who have a valid reason I don’t mind (as long as it doesn’t cost me anything). And as I said before, I don’t have any problem with anniversary celebrations huge or small. I reckon marriage should be celebrated more often along the way, not just the “huge” numbers. But it’s unfair to request so much financially from family and friends when it’s really just to impress everyone.
I’m getting married in Las Vegas (Destination wedding) next year and am NOT eloping. We are having an intimate ceremony (50 guests or less) with those that are very near and dear to our hearts. Afterward, at home, we are having a party (Backyard bbq style) to celebrate the joining of our families. Also, for those that want to call this a gift grab… we are not having an engagement party, bridal shower, hen night, or any other party that usually accompanies a wedding and there will be NO registry. We only wish to delight in the company of our loved ones.
I don’t see this as “running away and getting married” because after all, isn’t the day supposed to be about the bride and grooms vows to like each other and spend their lives together? Not about a lavish party and playing “Princess” for a day?
For me, there will be no “Do-over” wedding. This is what we want. Not some huge party with every single person we’ve ever met. I believe this to be nothing but a show. (Waiting for the thumbs down)
Now, with that said… those that go to the JoP or courthouse on a whim, I believe have had their day. They made the choice to get married in this fashion and need to live with it. I would not attend a “Wedding” of two people that are already married. That, to me, is silly.
This would be excluding the marriages that take place before someone goes off to war. This is understandable. I would fully support a “Wedding” once the other party comes back home.
As for “Renewing vows”, This should only be for those like my grandparents that have been married (soon to be) 50 years or at least those married for 25 years. To me, THIS is an accomplishment worthy of celebrating. Anything less is usually just a gimmie grab in my eyes.
Hi. I know this has been questioned before, but I’m glad you brought it up again, because, YES, there have been a slew of these questions lately.
GARNET: I couldn’t agree more. You said it so well!
My opinion…..it’s the age of “entitlement” and (as Garnet said), “instant gratification.” Then, when all of these people see their family and friends having the huge white wedding with the shower, bachelorette parties, etc., they have remorse and reckon….”why shouldn’t I?”
The other issue: Brides (and grooms, I guess) seem to reckon that a courthouse wedding; small wedding; no family/friends present wedding is NOT a “real” wedding (as they say), so they reckon they can start all over!
Wow….My standard response is…..”what is it about a wedding, where you reckon you get a do-over?” There is NOTHING in this life that you get to do-over. It’s called….the decisions I made. If I look back on my own life, do I wish I could do things over….”you betcha.” But, alas, I can’t, so I go on with my life and my small disappointments. No huge deal.
Obviously, as others have said, I do agree with this for military couples. Oh….that will probably be another question! Well, if it’s OK for military couples…why not me?”
Thanks for the question.
In my opinion, yall are a bunch of ancient bitties with nothing better to do than judge the decisions that other couples make. Marriage is between the woman and the man who have agreed to enter into it. It is not about anyone other than the bride and groom. I am one of those wives that all of you are snootily looking down your noses at.
My mother and father divorced when I was two. My mother is bipolar, and has been in and out of mental institution and incarcerated for the effects of her illness. I lived with my mother until I was ancient enough to go out. The she quit her job and went crazy in debt. She is losing her house any day now, and filing bankruptcy as we speak. My father is not in any better financial situation himself.
When my husband was only two years ancient, his father was shot and killed. He lived with his mother, stepfather, two brothers and two sisters in a tiny trailer house. He told me that at night it looked like the walls were moving because of all the roaches. When they finally sold that trailer, they got $200 for it. His mother has never held down a job and currently lives on welfare. His stepfather also died a few years ago.
The only reason my husband was able to afford to go to college is because he got a football scholarship. I have taken out loans to pay for everything so far.
My husband recently graduated with his masters, and I am in the process of finishing up my bachelors degree. Soon we will get to look forward to paying off his masters student loans (20,000 +), and then once I graduate mine will be added to the pile.
We got married a small over a year ago by the JOP because we loved each other, we knew that we would eventually have gotten married, and by going ahead and doing it we saved a ton of money. Also, if we wouldn’t have, I would still be declared dependent on my mother (the bipolar one, remember?) who refused to file her income tax. Just so you know, in order to be eligible for grants/loans/etc., you need to have income tax information. This means that if we hadn’t have gotten married, I would have been forced to drop out of school, or somehow come up with the thousands of dollars in cash needed for tuition.
Yes, we are now in the process of plotting a REAL wedding. Guess who is going to be paying for the whole thing? US! It has taken a bit longer than we would have liked, but we are VERY PROUD that we have been able to do all of these things for ourselves. It would have been nice to wait for a wedding, but in our situation, it was not an option.
So for all of you lucky ones out there who could afford to wait, and have mommy and daddy flit the bill, congratulations to you! I guess you all deserve that sense of self righteousness that you have endowed upon yourselves. I guess its “immature” and greedy of me and my husband to want to throw ourselves a wedding after all of this. You all make me sick. And you say were the one’s taking the right meaning out of marriage? HAH!